jdomawa © 2011* All Rights Reserved
(This is a request from a good friend. Since men are rather silent on the matter and prefer to discuss it over drinks, this has the trappings of an acetaldehyde-induced rant. My apologies in advance to those who would take offense on some of the writings)
There are two kinds of men in the world if we take a certain point of view. First are those who have the courage to take any woman on any level and the second are the men who still believe that chivalry isn’t dead. Most men are the first kind. They have the confidence to say just about anything to ensnare women with their charms and most of the time they get away with it. Many learn the art or are inspired by the effects of other factors (usually alcohol) which give them the gift if gab when they most need it.
A few, a paltry few belong to the second kind. They believe in the concept of karma. Do good, play under the radar, respect women, give them space and someday, someone will fall for you. Most of the time, this doesn’t happen. They join health clubs and gyms forming their bodies; they join civic organizations to show their responsible natures; they build themselves as dependable men. Unfortunately, despite their huffing and puffing trying to present themselves as the best options, they never or rather, rarely do.
They often come off as haughty when in the presence of women, intimidating creatures who attempt crudely to impress the fairer sex. Most of the time, the intimidation factor works or the other party gets turned off. You notice them because they are rather boisterous in the presence of women within earshot. Since they cannot talk to women directly (it’s a nervous proposition); they attempt to mask it by hoping that others would do their courtship for them like talking loud in women’s presence to make an impression (or they are silent which accomplishes the same thing.) Ninety nine point nine percent of the time, this doesn’t work.
The sad thing about this is the fact that these type of men (2nd kind) are considered by other men as the cream of the crop: the kind of men they want their sisters and daughters to marry someday (It doesn’t happen, though). So they usually go to their late thirties without ever marrying, always wondering why they never did (and most turn bad apples when they realize that their good boy natures are to blame). Or they marry widows and broken girls (mostly, the women who get to realize that the first kind of men are never worth it and they are the kind of girls who have the wisdom to see that beyond the huff and puff of the 2nd kind, they really are caring men). No girl who has never experienced the pain of a failed relationship can ever glean the true nature of men.
Society accuses these women who manage to trap these kind of men. People say, ‘sayang ni kastoy’, balo lang wenno separada ti naasawa na. What they don’t realize is that this kind of relationship is probably the match that heaven really made. The second kind of men are the thinking kind, first and foremost. They don’t go into these kinds of relationships because it’s the only one viable. No, its not. They love, the kind of love that romance novels try to express in vain. And the women who do accept them don’t grab these men because they are stupid enough to present themselves. For them, the process is even more painstaking. Doubtlessly, they have rejected the man countless times but the persistence and the beauty of love wins ‘em all.
But why? Why do men of the second kind love single moms and women society consider trash? There are many reasons.
One: there comes a point in time when a man realizes that women have a very high expectation of romance. Every girl wants to be a princess and every one of them waits for that prince charming to carry them away into a castle in the stars. Truth: this only happens in fairy tales. Women who emerge from a failed relationship realize that this concept of men being princes is a lie. They are dirty, stupid buffoons at best who can rarely remember to bring flowers once they got the ‘yes’ answer. Women who never get to see this side of men still dream of prince charming and castles which sets the relationship bar too high to reach. Moral: find someone who knows the truth of relationships.
Two: Despite what men say during the courtship stage, they are insecure creatures. They have aspirations and when these aspirations could not be reached in marriage they deal with it by masking it with violence and indifference. I often hear women cry ‘Apay ngay nga nagbaliw ni lakay ko. Kunak idi nu nasingpet ket tattan ket kasla haan ko am-ammun’. One reason is the fact that they have reached a point in their life when they realize that they cannot deliver on their promises when they were still strapping bucks. They cannot talk with women and honestly admit that they are failing. Sometimes, to give a reason for the failures, they resort to bad things. At least, they say, the woman they married would have a reason to say that their lives are messy because their husbands are evil. It is a tragedy that continually happens. (When your husbands become like this, talk to them. They usually won’t talk back but they might with gentle prodding.) When men marry single moms, they at least know their limitations and are never kept on the edge by that daunting fear of failure that plagues other men.
Three: We all like to feel loved. During the courtship stage, the women are showered with lots of adulation and love. When they settle down, the man expects to be coddled back. Most of the time, women change after the wedding bells have been rung. The feeling new husbands get when that moment comes in when their wives behave like their mothers (matrons) is a crazy time. Single moms know that relationships are a work in continuous progress. This is called wisdom.
Four: Men of the 2nd kind don’t know the dating game. Once they feel that the object of their affection is not interested, they back down. There rarely are second chances. The first perceived no is a no. That’s why many friends come to me asking if they did something wrong when a man (of the 2nd kind) suddenly backs off during courtship. I ask them what they did. (Women like to play hard to get when the 2nd kind come knocking. They say that if they said yes immediately, they might come off as ‘fast women’. They have a different response for the first type of men). Men of the 2nd kind get no as no. Whether that is verbal or implied makes no difference. They always hesitate and would never impose themselves on others. The 1st kind would still try even when the no is explicit (all women eventually capitulate, this is the truth. It may take many years or just days, but they always will) but even when the 2nd kind know this, they respect the woman enough to back off when they feel brushed off. Single moms instinctively know this and act accordingly.
Five: Women like men are by nature disloyal. There will always be a time when you look at the person snoring beside you in bed and wonder what could have happened if your pursued life with someone else. Someone is always better. This is a cruel truth. While many wouldn’t act out this desire in actions, in the deepest recesses of the mind, this thought lingers. There is no such thing as perfect love. It is flawed. We live with these flaws and often turn a blind eye to some of the things the manifest themselves. Even if the probability of infidelity is low, there is still that possibility. For those who’ve never experienced the darkness such actions create, there is always that sword hanging on top of one’s head. Single moms know this and it is their wisdom that makes them the best.
Six: There is no greater fury than a woman scorned but never a better lover than a woman who has found love again. No explanation needed.
Seven: Virgins are overrated. Now, don’t take this the wrong way for those who have protected their chastity for a very long time. I don’t mean that virgins are bad. Nope. They’re good. But this has to be said. I don’t write this from experience lest I be branded ‘something daft’. I write this from men’s reactions to the matter. Dammit, scratch this. I ain’t explaining this. Ask your guy friends why. I’m just inviting Hell’s fury if I write this.
Eight: Single moms are the only ones who see the 2nd kind of men for who they are. Only a few get to see beyond the blustery exterior, the almost haughty perception that bachelorhood is a boon, the solitary lifestyle and one’s preoccupation with things unrelated to the pursuit of romance. And love begins when two people see each other for who they are. All else are physiological reactions brought out by the basic instinct of mating. True love, or real love is the meeting of the minds. It might not be as flashy or as heart pounding or as crazy as the love the first kind of men give but in the long run, when everything has been said and done, it is often the one left standing.
Addendum: again, this is a requested piece. We all find our happiness in this world. When we don’t find our own or fail in our own undertakings, let us not take it against the people who found theirs. The problem with society is that we are judgmental. Filipinos take joy in putting others down to give themselves a reason to be miserable. Society at large with their unbridled tongues are the ones to blame for many of our problems. Love is a beautiful thing and if two people find, let them enjoy it. Rejoice instead of envying them.
**For all the members of the 2nd type of men, take heart. Even if we fail, we will always have Malcolm’s Square when we grow old and if in our old age, we still feel the sting of past regrets, we will always have the junction of Bokawkan and Magsaysay. Wahehehe. (From another friend.)