Natsu no omoi

Anata wa dare ka no yōna koto o dō iimasu ka?

I loved my calculations because one simply needs to solve for the value of x and the answer comes out of the calculator. Whether that answer is wrong or not, it comes out in black and white without any other shade of meaning. Maybe that's why I’ve chosen my path and haven’t gone to the humanities as most of my teachers thought I’d go to.

The unpredictability of human nature -  the complexity of human emotions, they gave me pause whenever I thought about it. Fear... the fear of having to deal with those kinds of emotions have always been the wall that stopped me cold… More than any other reason, it has always been my Waterloo...

SUMMER DREAMS

He stood immobile in front of the train station. How many times had he come here? he wondered… far too many times, it seems… As if somehow he would be able to catch a glimpse of her by merely repeating the process over and over again.

He smiled at the thought. Far into the future, he’ll probably look back at these times and laugh at himself... or remember it with melancholic sadness...

He sighed glancing around… she  won’t be passing today or any other day for that matter - he knew but there still remained a part of him that hoped life would prove him wrong.

Like Gideon who doubted and cast a fleece to test God, he came here to test if this is the path that is his. He prayed even when he knew that God cannot be tested... but being human, he could not stop himself – surely there is something out there that was the sign?

Or maybe he just feared the rejection of a face to face encounter that he knew was coming. After all, he had nothing to offer whereas she had everything. He is old and he is no Adonis that would sweep a girl off her feet by charm or by physical presence. And she is young with her whole life ahead of her... In all aspects, he was nothing - or at least, that's how he felt...

But hope still remains, that dogged desire to see things through and a question continues to ask itself at the back of his mind... the question: what if…

No matter how remote the possibility, there is still that…

The answer is probably no, he feared – that stopped him cold. He reasoned that maybe it was better to hold on unto hope rather than suffer the finality of the door closing on his face. If that made him a coward, which made him hate himself even more – then he accepts that -

What could he offer really?

Nothing... he thought. Just a life that’s still going forward. It is less than what other much better men could offer. He cannot offer riches or a life free of troubles -  not even a guarantee of smiles and laughter in the journey up ahead. The only thing that he could offer is his devotion as himself and his best moving forward to the unwritten future.

Was that enough? he thought. It probably wasn’t…

Does that give him the right to ask then?

It doesn’t…

He hated himself. What would then be better? To leave it unsaid and watch her from a distance – to take comfort only when she finds that one brave man who will give her the life he fervently wants to give? To spend his days in the comfort of imagined dreams and suppositions…

Even if the answer is no, he knew that life is still much better when he could speak up.

‘Watashi wa anata o suki… I just want you to know that… I will not ask for an answer but I just want you to know that I like you…’ To smile shyly and then turn around and hope that the world will open up to swallow him whole after.

But he can only imagine. He’ll probably keep these thoughts to himself – trapped and hidden forever in his mind.

He smiled painfully at the thought. This is his curse in life, it seems –

But that doesn’t stop him from trying… or hoping for it and asking God for fleeces…

He is pathetic, he knew – hiding behind a false façade while drowning in his self-inflicted pain. But he had accepted it. This is his version of love – to love in full but to suffer the pain of silence. Perhaps poets would consider it selfless… but that is merely pain dressed up in finery.

For the truth is, he’d love to be that man that will grow old with her. To be that man who will share her life’s tribulations and troubles. He might not be able to promise happiness for all of time but he can offer all that he is to achieve those smiles.

He sighed, his eyes surveying his surroundings again…

‘Hi’

Like an image from a surreal dream, he was suddenly snapped out of his reverie. His eyes focused as his heart lurched from the sudden jolt of comprehension as the voice reggistered–

Coincidence? He asked… but the figure just beyond the glass partition was no illusion.

‘Hi’ he uttered, his mind in chaos… grasping at a line of thought…

And then just like that she turned away. He watched her leave the station and wondered whether he should run after her and confess his mind – but as always he remained rooted where he is, the smile she gave etched on his mind but somehow, he knew the day was better...

Summer comes and goes. It fades to beautiful autumn where the leaves fall off trees to litter the paths of life with beautiful hues. You will live on and find the path that you strive for. Whether that will include me in that journey or whether that will be with someone else, I don’t know. If it is not me, I won’t lie to you because it will make me sad but I shall also be happy to see you find your place in this world. Some people say that the best kind of love is the love that nurtures which is not selfish who lets it go even when his soul is screaming for him to reach out... I don't know...

Winter will inevitably follow close to the heels of summer and it’s cold embrace will make me regret summer’s folly. This is the fate that I accept…

And I will say for eternity that ‘I continue to wear the smile you gave me…’