Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Ballad of Silence

How is it that life is so –
Like the nameless future that looms over the distance
It tortures me with the promise of many tomorrows
And yet it taunts me –
With dreams…

I stand by your door in this crossroad of life –
For what feels like eternity I’ve stood thus –
In warring moments of indecision
Whether to knock or flee, I’ve lingered…
Like a fool drawn to treasures unpromised…
Driven to madness and drawn, haggard breaths
To doubts and fears – to euphoria
Given and snatched away…

I tried to break free of the bond that holds me here
But the ties that bind cannot be broken that easily
I know now…
Like a moth drawn to a candle’s flame –
I stand here thus…

But fear compels me not to knock
And I know now I may never draw out that courage…
I am a cowardly fool driven by my own perceived failings
‘I cannot make you happy…’
Or ‘ What if I cannot make you happy…’
If I fail and you suffer, there is not forgiveness then
Or worse…
I am not the one for you…

So I’ll stand here –
Just by this door and see you go through life
To offer what I can in words of comfort – of hope
In some small way, perhaps, be part of your life
To lend you a hand when you stumble or to lend an ear if you cry
To give you words of comfort or a shoulder to cry on
To swallow my love and stand steadfast as a rock –
Despite the screaming void that fills my heart…

I know that I can never speak
Or utter how I feel –
In roundabout words in blogs and poems
That I can deny when pressed to be but written words
To love in silence and to deny these thoughts
To suppress the dream to love
And perchance to be loved in return…
I’ll never know.

And I shall here forever remain…
Beside this door I cannot touch…
And when someday you find your one true love
When some good man will have the courage to knock
When from within you’ll come to bid him in
I’ll turn away –

To that road that’s left
To wander the wilderness called life
To watch the stars and climb my mountains
To walk until I cannot walk no more…
And with a smile I’ll rest my weary self –
With the memories you give –
To wear the smile you’ve given me–
A life lived in full –
And take that final bow…

Know this then, even when I cannot cry it out
No matter where your road shall take you from now on
If life might bless you with laughter or pain –
When and if you doubt you were ever loved –
There was a man you might forget in time
A fool – if ever there was one
Who loved you whole –
Who loves you still –
But for lack of courage and too afraid –
A man who would give everything
Save his love of God for you…
The man who is just out your door
Who’ll never find the courage to knock…
That you were loved and will be loved –


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