The Ballad of Silence

How is it that life is so –

Unpredictable…

Like the nameless future that looms over the distance

It tortures me with the promise of many tomorrows

And yet it taunts me –

With dreams…

I stand by your door in this crossroad of life –

For what feels like eternity I’ve stood thus –

In warring moments of indecision

Whether to knock or flee, I’ve lingered…

Like a fool drawn to treasures unpromised…

Driven to madness and drawn, haggard breaths

To doubts and fears – to euphoria

Given and snatched away…

I tried to break free of the bond that holds me here

But the ties that bind cannot be broken that easily

I know now…

Like a moth drawn to a candle’s flame –

I stand here thus…

But fear compels me not to knock

And I know now I may never draw out that courage…

I am a cowardly fool driven by my own perceived failings

‘I cannot make you happy…’

Or ‘ What if I cannot make you happy…’

If I fail and you suffer, there is not forgiveness then

Or worse…

I am not the one for you…

So I’ll stand here –

Just by this door and see you go through life

To offer what I can in words of comfort – of hope

In some small way, perhaps, be part of your life

To lend you a hand when you stumble or to lend an ear if you cry

To give you words of comfort or a shoulder to cry on

To swallow my love and stand steadfast as a rock –

Despite the screaming void that fills my heart…

I know that I can never speak

Or utter how I feel –

In roundabout words in blogs and poems

That I can deny when pressed to be but written words

To love in silence and to deny these thoughts

To suppress the dream to love

And perchance to be loved in return…

I’ll never know.

And I shall here forever remain…

Beside this door I cannot touch…

And when someday you find your one true love

When some good man will have the courage to knock

When from within you’ll come to bid him in

I’ll turn away –

To that road that’s left

To wander the wilderness called life

To watch the stars and climb my mountains

To walk until I cannot walk no more…

And with a smile I’ll rest my weary self –

With the memories you give –

To wear the smile you’ve given me–

A life lived in full –

And take that final bow…

Know this then, even when I cannot cry it out

No matter where your road shall take you from now on

If life might bless you with laughter or pain –

When and if you doubt you were ever loved –

There was a man you might forget in time

A fool – if ever there was one

Who loved you whole –

Who loves you still –

But for lack of courage and too afraid –

A man who would give everything

Save his love of God for you…

The man who is just out your door

Who’ll never find the courage to knock…

That you were loved and will be loved –

Forevermore…