Autumn Dreams – A Reflection

Copyright 2011 Jani Domawa

All Rights Reserved

Any resemblance to a person, living or dead is purely unintentional.

“Are you ok?” I want to ask this of you. In my mind, I have this vision of you sitting by the lakeshore looking at the distance and the breeze gently tugging your hair across your face. I see you turning to me, a tender smile on your lips as you brush away an errant strand of hair that strayed close to your eyes.

And then you would return your gaze into the placid lake surface as you clutch your pink shawl closer to your body and the cool breeze continues to play with your tresses.

What are you thinking of… I wonder. To get the gift of reading a woman’s mind for just this moment, I’ll wager almost anything… What am I to you? Do I have a place in that heart of yours?

I follow your gaze into the blue lake.

What do you see in there? Do images swim in your mind? What are they…

I’ll probably never know. That is our fate, probably in this life, or my fate, rather – to wander thru the passages of time reflecting on the things I could have done or should have done. I’ll only have excuses that will ultimately become regrets. Fear – it has frozen me and has imprisoned me in this gray limbo that I myself had created.

I want to be part of your life. To be the shoulder that you lean on as you go through this journey. Should you fall, I want to be the arms that catch you. Should you suffer, I want to be that hand you clasp tightly in yours. I want to share in your laughter and to see you smile…

…wishes…dreams…illusions… aspirations…maybe delusions that I made…

…but even if it is only a vision that I can see when I close my eyes, I won’t exchange it for anything.

We are probably not the ideal couple if ever it came to that. But allow me to imagine it…even if it is only a series of still pictures in my mind.

I am an introvert… you’re not… I revel in the solitude offered by silent spaces and private endeavours where I can be alone with my mind whereas you love the company of people and interacting with them. Silence will probably bore you in a lot of ways. Or are you the kind of woman who would love to cuddle in the alcove with a cup of coffee in one hand and a book on the other? Would age mellow your free spirit down to love solitude with me?

I still think you are a girl still… nearly a woman but not yet. You are a bit moody, probably or I’m wrong who can throw tantrums when you do not get your way (be silent, that is and freeze up) but I don’t know you that well yet so I might be wrong. You probably still cling to the idea that people still haven’t left high school – that friends and barkada can still go on jamming sessions and people can speak lightly of love affairs and other stuff.

I know that there is a fear in your mind as you see your former classmates settle into families and you question yourself whether or not something is missing in your life. Some still remain like you, single and caught in the middle of youth and adulthood. You take solace in the fact that you are still not the one left alone grappling with this questions but also in the back of your mind, you have this question…

You speak with confidence that you’ll be ok… but I know better. After all, I’m like you in some ways. The same doubts that bug me – about old age and being alone… about the prospects of walking alone… about what kinds of decisions to make…

You probably don’t think of me the way I think of you.

Am I a friend? A brother perhaps…

A brother probably…

You probably have in your mind that vision of having someone that will send electric jolts when you touch him. Of a guy that will make your heart skip a beat every time you see him… someone who will make you smile when he enters your mind even when he is not there…

I’m probably not that guy but I will root for you…

I wish and pray that you live a great life – a happy life with the one you love.

I can impose myself on your life – be that mad person who will go through hell and high waters to earn your love – but I won’t.  You love someone else – so I’ll gracefully take myself into the sidelines and cheer you on the sidelines.

But allow me to imagine – to see your face in the characters I write in the fiction pieces through the years…

…to see you in that lakeshore as the breeze snatches your hair…

Ganbatte ne!

Live a great life and keep smiling!!!!!

Korekara no futari no jinsei no seikou to koufuku wo inoru bakari desu!!

I’m gonna stop writing you this indirect letters now. Maybe this is where our roads diverge in this life. I still linger here in this crossroad, however, and I’ll return to here every time it strikes my fancy.

I don’t know where the roads we have will take us… but I do pray for your happiness from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for touching my life even if it is only for a brief instant… thank you, thank you so much …. Excerpt from the novel Letters of Mashouud