Monday, June 20, 2011

Supposition of a Dream..

Watashi wa hontōni anata ga suki. Watashi wa sore o mitomeru koto ga dekinai. Ichi-ninde wa naku… Tabun nai…Watashi wa shitai to omoimasu, Shikashi, watashi wa dekimasen.


Gommenasai…


Watashi wa hontōni anata to watashi no jinsei o sugosu no ga daisukida. Watashi wa hontōnidarou... Shikashi, watashi mo okubyōmono no ōku wa gozen….Watashi wa kokuhaku suru koto wa dekimasen… Sore wa watashi o miru...


Shikashi, watashi wa anata o aishite…


Watashi wa sekai ni sore o kokuhaku.


Kore o rikai shite inai kanō-sei ga arimasu… 


Tabun watashi wa bakada.


Watashi wa jinsei de saikō no anata ni shitai


Anata no shiawase no tame no watashi no negai


Watashi wa sono hito ni naritai. Anata wa dare to waraudarou... Anata-kata o sapōto shimasu… Kata o tayori ni… Aisuru koto… Furui seichō suru…


Gommen…


Watashi wa, okubyōmono, orokamonodesu, Hito ni hanasu yūki o kaite iru... Shikashi, watashi wa kimi o aishi teru…


Eien ni…

The year is 2016. The place somewhere.


Working the coal mines up north for five years and lacking any family to go back to in the South has made me steer clear of the place where I first set foot in this great land.


The reasons go beyond that of course, the land of the Wild Rose symbolized everything that I probably could have had and the city of Calgary, in particular symbolized the dreams I could have accomplished. Save for a few brief touchdowns on my way to Vancouver, I avoided it.


But not today.


Today, something is calling me towards the city and the call is so strong that I found myself Downtown grappling with a nervousness I could not explain.


I hadn’t told anyone I was coming. While my sister and her family made this city their home and they have a house on the Southwest, I hadn’t really called them. I am planning on crashing at a motel somewhere, address the unexplained yearning and then leave.


The discomfort that Calgary symbolized goes beyond words. It is something that I can never fully explain. In a way, I know the root of the problem. It has something to do with a choice I made five years ago, a choice that has landed me where I am today. I have always wondered what could have happened if I made the opposite choice back then. During the long nights cooped up alone in a cabin in the cold windswept hills of Manitoba, I have always been beset by deep regrets arising from that choice.


And perhaps those feelings are the ones that is pulling me back here now. 


After getting to my motel room and freshening up, I wandered aimlessly Downtown. I found myself on top of the Calgary tower. It is no longer the highest building in Calgary and in a way, it is now constricted by the modern sky rises that dotted the cityline. I watched absent-mindedly as people dared themselves to go over the mirrored ledge. There was a time, I did that too and the thought of it made me a bit queasy.


For I have always been afraid of heights.


Grabbing a Tim Horton’s, I found myself boarding the train, headed to stations I had once known. Erlton, Victoria, 39th Ave, Chinook, Heritage, Southland, Anderson, Canyon Meadows, Shonessy…
I didn’t get off any one. Thankfully there was no one in the train who recognized me. In a way, I was probably indistinguishable now with my full beard and grizzled coal-miner appearance. People’s appearance change with time at such a fast pace that sometimes it also surprises me.


I don’t know how long I rode the train but eventually, like all train rides, I had to step out on a station I will not name on a platform that is both alien and familiar.


I knew of course, where I was headed.


The place was different. I stood in front of it for a long time, noting that its façade had been remodeled. It was still a restaurant which comforted me. Maybe this is why I am back here, I reasoned… or maybe not…


I went in, not really knowing what I’d find inside.


It was stupid…


I ordered their special and just zoned out. Perhaps I was not really there in the first place. I don’t know. I was in limbo.


Only when I felt a presence did I snap out of my reverie.

You know the feeling when someone is looking at you? Like the world just stops and two people are just existing looking at each other.


Like an apparition from a dreamscape. Or straight from a surrealist’s easel.


‘Hi’ she managed a weak smile as she came over. I scanned her face for any hint of surprise but if she did, it didn’t show.


‘Hi’ I answered rising up as she sat across me. Like a dream…


We sat down in silence for a long time. Her order came and went in that half-dazed world. One could not really define the moment.


‘I was surprised you are here.’ I ventured, tentatively.


She gave me another weak smile. I dropped my gaze. From guilt mostly…, unexplainable…


‘I heard, so I came down…’ I offered. ‘More like read it…’ I laughed feebly. Despite FB’s problems, it is still the platform that one goes to.


She still smiled weakly, quietly nibbling her salad.


‘How are you?’ she asked finally, her voice low.


‘As you see, hehe… old.’ I gave an exaggerated gesture to encompass my grizzled appearance.


‘When did you come back?’ There was a bit of tenseness in her voice, though I might just be imagining it.


‘This morning…’ The other words were drowned in the unvoiced conversation that happened in the brief pauses that came between the actual voices.


I’ve always wondered what was really between us. I mean, is it actually possible for two souls to be connected in such a way as ours did. Or was the connection just something in the mind. Was it even imaginary? I sometimes wonder.


It never happened, really. Choices were made and there never was a chance to fully explore what it was. But there is a bitter aftertaste and residual pain that was never really addressed. Indirect excursions in the guise of virtual conversations. Pain by supposition. Mind games.


Or maybe we just made it all up.


Or I made it all up.


But here we are.


An unresolved enigma that might never be answered.


‘You should be going…’ I hated myself the moment I uttered the words.


She looked at me. Was it a question that lingered there?


She hesitated for a moment then with a sad smile she stood up. This time she was the one who extended an arm.


I smiled weakly and shook it. I was numb.


‘Congratulations on your impending marriage…’ I managed, forcing the words out.


‘Thanks…’


Then she turned away. I watched her dainty form fade away into the street. I stood there long after she was gone, dry invisible tears streaming down.


‘I hope and pray for your happiness…’ I whispered to phantom ears.


An image of her in a white wedding dress briefly flitted across my mind’s eye. A faceless man waited for her in the altar…


I could never be that man. 


I knew that even then.


But how I wish I could be that man…

©Johnny Domawa
All Rights Reserved
Disclaimer: All persons/events here are products of a writer's imagination. Any resemblance to a person, living or dead is purely coincidental.

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