I used to remember the moments when I thought that I had the power to do anything. One of the good things I ever had in my life was the clarity of mind that made me realize the importance of certain milestones that formed the basis of human existence.
People seem to think that I have the ability and the strength to do anything in life. Just a few days ago, someone tried to give me advice about life and a friend told that person off that I didn’t need any. They seem to have this wrong idea that I am capable of being independent, that I can do anything.
It is the farthest thing from the truth, however.
At certain periods in my life, perhaps, I had the confidence to be anything but those moments have come and gone like the seasons. Although I display an outward façade of strength, I am or rather I was never that strong to begin with.
I just hide my weaknesses better and maybe I am luckier than most.
I belong to the middle class. There is no shame in that. My mom almost raised us three siblings single handedly. She came from a poor family with a dysfunctional father figure who had the means to better their lot but chose instead to be selfish. But she persevered enough to overcome rough patches to educate herself and to raise us all. We did just fine, with a few debts that didn’t pile up. We had access to a good education and though I might never be at the receiving end of a ‘mana’ in the future, what she gave was much more precious.
You might say that I didn’t suffer any substantial financial burden. We toiled in a garden when we were young but it was not something that was absolutely necessary. I had good clothes and had access to a few luxuries in life.
After school, I got a pretty decent job that gave me access to gourmet dinners at good restaurants. I went to plays and chorale recitations and although I only have a modicum of fiscal prudence, I was able to make do. Life was and continues to be good to me.
But the sad fact remains that people of my background are probably the most insecure of all people. Combined with a mind that continually weighs everything against the coldness of logic and a laid back personality that borders upon over-cautiousness… one has me –
I thought I could do anything.
But events in the past weeks made me realize that I couldn’t.
I realized that I am no more than a pretender – and a pretty good one at that. I don’t have the strength I thought I had to see things through. I am a slave to fear, it seems…
You start without any emotional baggage – the feeling that you are prepared to be anything. That you can be a husband or looking ahead, a father.
And you start with that premise. That you are prepared to be that person and the only thing that is left over is to find that someone that you would commit yourself to. And then that search nears an end and then just when you want to reach out to initiate it – it suddenly hits you.
A gut wrenching cold feeling that pours cold water over your elation – that’s the closest thing to describe the feeling I guess.
For one, you suddenly realize that you are inadequate – and woefully so. You start to doubt yourself: your ability to provide for one, your emotional preparedness to tackle the inevitable clash of personalities – but mostly it’s about self-doubt about your ability to make another person happy.
And that is the primary reason that stops you cold on your tracks that makes you realize that you are not qualified to fulfill that role – when you realize that you might not have the ability to make someone happy.
And that’s when you realize that you’ve lost something – and that thing that’s lost is the confidence to be someone in somebody’s life.
When you realize that you don’t have that ability, that’s when it hits you –