Thursday, October 6, 2011

Flirting with Despair..


I’ve always been a healthy guy. Before 2009, I’ve only been hospitalized twice: one for chickenpox in Grade 5 and another for fever 1999. And though I’ve been large bodied (hehehe) since third year college, I believed that I was ok.

After all, I steered clear of smoking and drinking and other vices that would have felled much stronger men. My being fat was more or less a result of a rather sedentary lifestyle. I don’t eat lots, even skipping breakfast and lunch most of the time but I rarely have any activities save working and going for short walks. I figured I still had time, you know… to correct my lifestyle when I reach middle age.

And then I had that scare in late 2009. It was ultimately considered a misdiagnosis on the doctors part but it was an eye opener of sorts (except of course, the human mind tends to forget things when the body starts to become normal again). Now, of course, it’s coming back with a vengeance.

And it’s rearing its ugly head up – and it is causing my mind to teeter precariously in the brink of a vast chasm that I have no desire of looking head on. Because for one thing, it threatens to rob me of my future and in that respect, it also threatens to rob me of my dreams and my self-confidence.

I am human and I have a breaking point. Right now, I am dangerously close to that.

For one thing, I am in a foreign land – granted that it is a land that I wish to call my own but I’m barely here for less than a year. And although I have friends and relatives, who am I that they should worry about, right? This is one of the moments when I realize that my choices, my being alone in particular, is coming to haunt me.

And just when I thought that I am already on my way to achieving my aspirations…

Life is damn cruel…

And right now, staring at my laptop and looking out the window where the rain is pouring, I can’t help but spiral into the edges of despair. And the dull, hot throbbing pain at the back of my thighs reminds me that things can still go worse.

Already, my mind is wondering about operations and such. Unemployment insurance… disability benefits…shit! ….

But those are possibilities. And suffice it to say, I am forcing myself to laugh at the craziness that attempts to drown me. That or break down – I’m still strong enough to break down.

Or go back.

Haha. Go back, huh?

I can’t…

For a lot of reasons…

I’ll just force myself to plod on. Pain after all can be tamed. I’ve regained, at least for the moment, my ability to move – it just makes pain shoot out every time I move my leg. Dr. House made it.

I can too.

And life is still so beautiful…

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